In BhaktapurIn both yogic and Buddhist traditions, there are fair warnings to the practicing disciple of potential “enemies” that will rear their ugly heads at some point along the spiritual path. Depending on what spiritual tradition you practice, the enemies include but are not limited to: desire, laziness, doubt, anger, delusion, fear, greed and egoism. More often then not, teachers don’t seem to frame these potential pitfalls as a “if they happen” but rather, “when they happen.” Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the enemy of doubt.
Those who have walked the spiritual path before us know the structure of mind, with it’s habits and latent imprints that will rise up to protect it’s turf, when deeper dimensions of practice start to challenge it’s authority. Ego breakdown does not come easily after all. Effective spiritual practice knows that what feeds our suffering and what sets us free. However, to the chagrin of many students, just because these practices are put into motion, does not that all the enemies are completely eliminated or dissolved when they want and how they want.
I have noticed in my own experience, that poor habits and harmful emotional reactions tend to dissolve slowly, in a slow-burn fashion. This is overshadowed by the moments when a distinct and rather intense trigger sets off a fireworks display of nasty reactions that catches us off guard, sending in army of doubt to deal with. Immediately, a student will be tempted to point the finger at their practice, and not their own imbedded mental and emotional framework. We become plagued with doubt. With thoughts like “Is this working for me at all? Why is this happening again? I thought this was over?” The ground underneath starts to feel unstable, one’s vision gets blurry. It is at this crossroads when a student may wish to abandon their practice to pick-up a new one. Yet, this juncture also as the potential to be one of the most valuable evolutionary leaps in a student’s spiritual practice.
Students of yoga practice, myself included, often underestimate the power of negative habit patterns on gross and subtle levels. However, like the worn out cliché, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,” is applicable here. If the student has the presence of mind to get still enough to find out what set off a trigger of doubt, there is the possibility of getting to the root of that mental imprint and ridding it altogether or at least prevent if from arising within certain contexts. When I was talking to a wise friend of mine, about this topic he said simply, “If you haven’t mastered riding a bike, what makes you think you won’t fall off?" Reflection on what caused the fall in the first place, is the work that creates wisdom and will give rise to a more balanced state of being in the future. If you haven’t mastered your chosen practice, what makes you think you are immune to what you are attempting to remedy? Abandoning practice is not the answer.
On one hand, it’s easy to view your spiritual practice in dualistic terms, separating the practice as this stable, unchanging structure and tradition that you can lean on as a reflective device, as if you were looking in a mirror. Yet, at other times, it’s more productive to view your practice as nothing more then one entity; you and practice are one. I always float between these perspectives.
Being in Kathmandu has given me a lot of quiet time to examine all the motivations that brought me here and also review the causes and conditions that manifested my life since last summer. What I have been finding with my newfound Kathmandu clarity is that I succumbed to doubt. It came over me with a power that I had never experienced before. The doubt tipped me over and sent me flying for sometime. It was of course, catalyzed by a series of bumps in my own personal road. With my trip here, I have found a buoyancy and strength that allows this realization to fully sink in. It’s as if I just climbed to the top of a large mountain and now all I have to do is sit and enjoy the view over the full spectrum of my consciousness–doubt and all.
Oddly, while I’ve been here in Kathmandu studying the very daunting Madhamikya philosophy, I’ve been inspired to pick up the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali again. I found a translation I didn’t have by Chip Hartranft, who casually compares the philosophy of Patanjali with that of Buddha throughout the text and in a small essay at the back of the book. The comparison between yogic and Buddhist philosophy is one of the many motivators that brought to Nepal, so I was really excited to find this copy. While perusing it in my room, I was reminded in sutras 1.17 and 1.18 that as the yoga practitioner starts to move toward stillness there are latent impressions that are left behind by one’s four kinds of cognition; analytical thinking, insight, bliss, and a feeling of an individual self. These impressions or imprints are dormant but also form the identity that is reborn into future lives. Chip remarks, “In Patanjali’s view, shared by Samkhya, once action leaves an imprint, it will eventually erupt into a new thought or action. It’s latency can even survive death and the body’s reabsorption into nature’s matrix, then carry over into a future rebirth.” For these imprints to cease altogether means one has reached samadhi, which may take a few lifetimes. So, in the meantime, the practitioner needs to become very aware of when they are arising and be mindful of how not to empower the destructive tendencies. When doubt is at your door or any of the other enemies that challenge our spiritual practice; we cannot indulge them.
So in short, the advice of the sages is to get back on the bike. You fell. You had a meltdown. One of your nasty, negative imprints had a party in your psyche for a while. You can lament or you can continue what I consider to be the most worthy ride of one’s life. Get creative. Get determined. Get a sense of humor. There will be times when it’s easy to look for excuses around you. But the seeds of your triumph and destruction lie within. The wisdom teachings are there to remind us that we aren’t the first ones to give this a go; we aren’t the first ones to suffer, trip and fall. The wisdom teachings are also there to remind us that there is a path–many paths actually–and if you follow one to the end, you will be blessed to find what cannot be found here in this worldly realm. Along the way, you will get the chance to climb a few mountains within yourself. When you get to the crest of one, take a moment and breathe. Enjoy the view. That will be your spiritual resuscitation. Then continue on.
Om Shanti
Jai Shri
